All My Previous Posts
Post date: Jul 12, 2011 12:15:10 PM
I used to play Second Life, they made me give it up and go back to my first.
Used to be that I would pick out the grey hairs, now I pick out the dark ones....
You can spend your time travelling backwards through life saying “I can't, I can't, I can't.” or spend your time travelling forwards saying “I can! I can! I can!”
Whores: Now with Plug and Pay!
Ordered an "Internet Bride". They are sending her through one byte at a time. :(
I had to click the “Poke” button as they don't have a “Bitch Slap” button.
The good thing about contemplating your navel, is that you may find fluff.
“In a press conference, Johnie Farnham stated as a sign of respect for his fans and for music in general, he would NOT be touring again.” Much joy and gratitude was present in the air that day.
Never trust anyone buying Duct Tape and Knives together. Doubly so if there is Hamster instead.
Never trust anyone buying Duct Tape and Knives together. Doubly so if there is Hamster involved.
My coffee cup runs on JAVA (c).
Went to a Dating site, they asked if I would like to Meet Single Women, I said no, I want Meet LOTS Of Women. How stupid are they? Hmmmm?
H ve to g t a new k ybo rd, as ev ry s cond k y ke ps m ssing. F ck. Sh t and B gger. What a C nt.
Cats. Is there anything they can't measure.
Radio Head: Music to cut ones wrists by (not emo music)
Ok, time to finally come out of the closet...........
I am GEEK. There I said it. I am GEEK and I AM PROUD. I was born GEEK, I didn't choose to be this way, I was born this way. I am still the same person, just GEEK. I will NOT try to hit on you just because you have a computer, I am not a TECHNO FAG,
I AM GEEK and I AM PROUD!
............................................... GEEK PRIDE FOREVER!
"Today in London, Dyslexic Terrorists hijacked a train and are trying to fly it to Afghanistan"
“Kids and alcohol don't mix”,
“They do if you use a blender!”
“Are you smarter than a fifth grader?” “No, but I can beat one up.”
“Remember, in Humour there are NO SACRED COWS, they have all been killed and made into hamburgers.”
While you are all thinking out side the box, I am in here stealing all your wallets.
Times New Roman, I know your type!
In a recent poll about me:
7 in 10 said that they knew me
2 in 10 said that they didn't know me at all
3 in 10 said that they used me
6 in 10 said that they have never used me but would be willing to try me
1 in 10 said they haven't used me and would not want to, ever
2 in 10 thought me to be so last season
4 in 10 liked the new me
6 in 10 like the old me and want a return
1 in 10 had never heard of me
8 in 10 found me to be a pleasant experience and would try again
1 in 10 disliked me and would not try again
1 in 10 did not feel either way about me
0 in 10 asked for a refund
2 in 10 stated that the packaging could be better
7 in 10 like the packaging and said it made them feel happy
1 in 10 disliked the packaging and suggested it be removed altogether
9 in 10 said “NOOOO” leave the packaging on
10 out of 10 had something to say about me
It's 11 o'clock at night and dark, and not one single, alone female wondering the streets by herself tonight.
Oh well, home alone again then....
Thinning hair, leaking pipes, bad eye sight, no longer attractive to the opposite sex, weight gain. If anyone had truly told me of this while I was younger, I wouldn't have started on this getting older thing.
“You are worth every cent.....”
“Yep, just not any dollars.”
Everyone keeps telling me: “Don't worry, one day you will meet a nice girl.”
Nice girl? Who wants to meet a nice girl? I want a bad one!
My life is like a Bed of Roses.
Yep, smells like sh*t and is full of pricks.
Porn: WARNING, MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS.
Better version- PORN: WARNING, may contain trace of nuts.
May choke on small parts.
“Most people fear change.....”
“except bus drivers.....”
You know, if it wasn't for Facebook, I would just have to scream random obscenity's at the neighbours...
“Life's full of unforgettable moments. What's yours?”
“I can't recall.....”
"Well Guess what? Christmas is here, so I will get to it when I get to it"
The more I am miss judged by people, the more I realise why dogs like me so much. They know a good person when they see one.
That new computer that your just bought is 'State of the Ark”.
I failed a Turing Test.
So anything I do or say at this point, is not my fault.
I love my dog.
She won't do windows, but she does do dishes.
Remember the days when you didn't need to check in the mirror before answering a call?
Gather Ye Around,
For a tail of Dogmass...
"Twas the night before Dogmass and nothing was stirring, not even a cat", I ate that.
"All were in bed and I in a hat" russell, russell.
"Monkeys were sleeping, no doorbells were beeping" scamper.
"I was fat, for I ate a cat" russell russell.
"Now the clock struck 12"
"NEWS FLASH: 12 REPORTED DEAD. STRUCK BY CLOCK. Film at Eleven"
"all were dead to the world"
"and up in the air, Doggieclaws took flight."
"Bringing bones and kibble to all good beings, that night, Doggieclaws in his Red Suit was such a great sight." Scamper, scrap, RUSSELL RUSSELL.
"On Pringles, On Biatches, On Dashound, On Stiches", russell, scamper, scratch scratch.
"On Smackos, On Fleas, On Spot, On Twitches"
"Fly on, so we may deliver presents to all My Bitches"
"And On and On, through all the night, did Doggieclaws fly his Sleigh with great delight" scratch scratch, scamper.....
Some one kill that f*%king mouse all ready. So wish I hadn't eaten that cat now. Anyhow, back to the story....
"Doggiesclaws is reading his list, he is checking it twice. He wants to make sure, all have been good and all have been nice"
"On Pringles, On Biatches, On Dashound, On Stiches"
"On Smackos, On Fleas, On Spot, On Twitches"
"Fly higher, fly faster, fly harder, fly quicker"
"We must deliver, we must not differ, before the prices change, from the retail sticker"
"Oh fly did Doggieclaws, oh fly did he"
"For many presents to deliver before morning, must be done"
"Otherwise the contract will go to FedEx, the scum!"
"Doggieclaws and Sleigh, Doggieclaws and Presents, Doggieclaws and Sleigh Dogs, did travel the heavens"
now we come to your abode...
"A WooF! A Bark! A THUD on the roof, the Sleigh did park"
"A scamper, not mouse, a Doggieclaws did enter the house"
"Down chimney came he, with sack and fleas"
"With presents and lice"
"All covered in ice"
"For all that were good, a present did they get"
"For all that were bad, a big resounding double overdraft of debt"
"Taking the milk, and taking cookies, Doggieclaws left like a red clad Wookie"
"To One, To All, Too Many! I bring you all joy and little comfort if any"
"For in presents, the joy, only lasts till exchanged for some pennies"
"Doggieclaws has left the building"
"So up into the sky, did Doggieclaws and his Sleight take flight"
"For return, he must, to take back the rental that night"
"Goodnight to My Bitches, Goodnight to my many"
"A Merry Dogmass to all, and many happy endings"
"For now we will leave the tail here"
"To finish it off, with some Dogmass Cheer"
To All My Biatches and Monkeys.
A Very, Merry Dogmass.
My niece asked for a horse for Christmas, so I gave her a jar of glue.
A French Gaming Company today is being sued for copyright breach after releasing
'Mime Craft: the game.'
When asked to comment, the refused to say anything,
and proceeded to "just waved their arms around in the air, just like they don't care" said one commentator.
Funny status in hold pattern: awaiting landing instructions....
Beauty: It's only bone deep.
I have nothing to say. So I am saying it.
Heterosexual is the opposite sex. Geek is the opposite of sex.
Wine: what you should be drinking, not the sound you are making.
Married to my computer.
Enslaved to my dog.
Indebted to my bed.
The reason February is so short is that nothing happens in February.
Romance: Love on Ecstasy.
I've come here to chew gum and kick arse. And I am all out of arse!...... opps, did it wrong again!
Deslexi ver> I've come here to chew arse and kick gum. And I am all out of arse!.....opps, did it wrong again!
Being Valentines Day, I asked a girl if she was up for some mutual mastication. She said no. I guess you just can't ask some people out for dinner!
Thought of the day. "Dogs can't appreciate Minecraft." (A.W)
NEWS FLASH: Apple to buy McDonald's. Big Macs now come in white.
So many people ask me for my advice. Go ahead, ask me. I have lots to spare that I am not using at the moment.
A Baby ate my Dingo!
You are the reason there are rules!
Mass is Opiate of the Religious.
My single life is just like a cruise, never gets to enter the harbour, stays out at sea on a ship full of seaman, waiting to just get off.
I ate something recently that totally disagreed with me. It's views on the social-economical decline of culture were sooo contra to mine.
Back by popular demand.
NEWS FLASH: Batteries found flat. Charges to be laid.
Diff ver: NEWS FLASH: Batteries found dead. Charges to be laid.
Before Revolution comes Evolution. We have to evolve our mind set from the status quo, then we can Revolt against the Dictatorial and Oppressive.
Today 13 Nth Atlantic Salmon where detained in Darwin. They were sequestered after Immigration reported their movements as "fishy".
How to insult a Child - You're just like your Mother/Father.
How to compliment a Parent- You're Child is just like you!
I had a humerus bone removed. Friend laughed. For some reason I don't think its funny.
In fact, I don't think anything is funny now.
404: Girlfriend not found!
You know, every time I arrive at the Future, it feels just like The Present.
Doctor, I have no energy and can't seem to stay awake.
Take two Charlie Sheens and call me in the morning.
I am a PC and Windows 7 was my idea...
There are Four Ingredients to loosing weight:
Diet and Exercise, plus, Diet and Exercise.
The Older I get, The Dumber I get. Or so my kids tell me....
Apple has a new app to watch you grow old everyday. Don't we have kids for that?
News Flash: Dora the Explorer's parents arrested for child neglect.
Lastest Duke Nukem game tittle renamed:
"Duke Nukem For Never"
Dog Damn It! Out of Tiger Blood again....
There are no Girls on the Internet. Just 42 year old Men pretending to be 15yr old Girls.
NASA's Glory Spacecraft crashed this month. Once again NASA is left with another Glory Hole...
Went to sell my soul to the Devil. Found out it's been repossessed by the previous owner...
Remember the old days when 'Data Caps' meant putting crib notes under your hat during a test?
Remember the old days when 'Paypal' meant give back the five bucks you owed a friend?
Remember the old days when 'Internet' used to be where a New Zeland'er went to get their fish?
Remember the old days when 'Hard Drive' meant a long trip on a country dirt road?
Remember the old days when 'CD' meant going to scope out that cute girl Dee, on the corner?
Remember the old days when 'Chrome' was what car bumpers used to be made of, not what is on your computer?
Remember the old days when 'iPhone' meant iCalled you?
Remember the old days when 'Word Processing' meant reading a book?
Remember the old days when 'A Post' was what wires were hung on, not what a message is put on?
"Snap, Crackle, Pop!", sounds you want to hear at breakfast, not while lifting weights!!
Windows Vista: When April Fools jokes go wrong.
Coffee + Office= Coffice: Funeral + Office= Coffin!
I used to have Lots of Pride, but I kept falling over all the time....
3D Movies are just another Hollywood Stereo Type...
A Creeper? What's hisssssssss problem?
"It is a good day to lie"
Why can't we eat our electronic devices? Are we not the consumer?
Knowledge is Power. Education is Empowerment.
Thought I could sleep my life away. Damned thing was still there when I woke up.
They say that "Your face is your fortune". Well, I am broke...
Life Insurance: Cause the Ninjas are out to get you!
Sniffed too much glue. Now coming un-stuck.
Wanted some instant gratification, so ordered some online. Now just have to wait two weeks for delivery...
(abridged) Wanted some instant gratification. Now just have to wait for three weeks for delivery...
My stove was too slow so I stuck it in the microwave...
Gaud! If I want to see a future Queen get married I will just move to Sydney...
Piracy is the sincerest form of flattery!
I am worried. I think my hand might be gay....
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
"When you fight "Fire with Fire", all that happens is both sides get burnt"
House rental ad. "Pets negotiable". That's silly, pets don't know how to negotiate!
"What's a pro-noun?" "A noun that charges by the hour"
Tiss a sad day. Had to have five jokes put down, as they were lame...
“I would say I loved your book, but won't. I passed out from laughing so hard, and awoke three days later with my shoe gone and a toe missing. Well, I suppose I really can't blame my dog, what with being locked inside for three days, without opposable thumbs to use the can opener. Well she would have only got beans anyway.
By this time the bleeding had stopped, and the house smelt of dog poo and blood. I was too weak from hunger to move so I ate some of the book. This gave me the strength to get up and go kick the dog.
It's been three weeks now, I am able to walk and the dog and I are back on speaking terms. I have tried reading the remains of the book, but I keep passing out from laughing. I leave the front door open when I read it, just so that the dog could get out and not eat my other toes.
Anyhow, thanks for a good book. That slight limp I have now will all ways remind me of page 36....” (re-edited from original post)
Thinkin', love that song where Joey Rammon keeps asking a prostitute out on a date "Hey. Hoe. Lets go"
Was in Hungry Jacks, unable to decide which burger to get, when some asked
"Have you considered a Mac?"
I have decided to get a job as a Body Piercer, cause that way I can mutilate people without being locked up this time round and they pay me!
I left my Tea to draw. So far it has done a Picasso and a Rembrandt.
Every time my Irish Breakfast Tea gets drunk ... I end up with a black-eye.
If Heat is Activity and Cold Is In-activity, then why are our Politicians so hot headed?
"Religion you can get hung up about"
All Jokes and Opinions 100% GREEN CERTIFIED. All continually recycled, using worn out parts. All jokes guaranteed to be re-used many times.
"Enjoying your second childhood I see."
"Second? Hell, I haven't finished my first."
[5:41:42 AM] rebecca wilson: hello
[5:42:06 AM] rebecca wilson: kelly wawan and zarley arrived safely last night
[5:53:07 AM] andrewianwilson: hello? some one there? who said that???
[5:53:13 AM] andrewianwilson: come out
[5:53:15 AM] andrewianwilson: I got a gun
[5:53:28 AM] andrewianwilson: I am calling the police.
[5:53:45 AM] rebecca wilson: what the hell are you on about
[5:53:55 AM] andrewianwilson: who said that?????
[5:54:01 AM] andrewianwilson: show yourself
[5:54:05 AM] rebecca wilson: the computer
[5:54:08 AM] andrewianwilson: I'll shoot
[5:54:35 AM] andrewianwilson: this isn't funny anymore
[5:54:46 AM] rebecca wilson: have you set up a voice activated thingy
[5:54:46 AM] andrewianwilson: I 'm calling the cops right now
[5:54:49 AM] rebecca wilson: ????
[5:54:53 AM] rebecca wilson: please do
[5:54:56 AM] andrewianwilson: I am dialing....
[5:55:01 AM] andrewianwilson: seriously
[5:55:05 AM] rebecca wilson: good
[5:55:05 AM] andrewianwilson: and I have gun
[5:55:10 AM] rebecca wilson: good
[5:55:10 AM] andrewianwilson: I know kung fu
[5:55:15 AM] rebecca wilson: good
[5:55:17 AM] andrewianwilson: STOP THAT
[5:55:21 AM] rebecca wilson: for you
[5:55:22 AM] andrewianwilson: SHOW YOUR SELF!
[5:55:49 AM] rebecca wilson: are you in a sleep deprived delirium?
[5:55:57 AM] andrewianwilson: you last chance
[5:56:00 AM] rebecca wilson: ok
[5:56:04 AM] rebecca wilson: shoot
[5:56:05 AM] andrewianwilson: I'll start shooting
[5:56:09 AM] andrewianwilson: I will
[5:56:11 AM] andrewianwilson: I promise
[5:56:14 AM] rebecca wilson: hurry up already
[5:56:18 AM] andrewianwilson: here goes
[5:56:26 AM] andrewianwilson: I am cocking the gun
[5:56:27 AM] rebecca wilson: rofl
[5:56:35 AM] andrewianwilson: I have the saftey off
[5:56:41 AM] andrewianwilson: I am pointing it
[5:56:42 AM] rebecca wilson: i am waiting
[5:56:48 AM] andrewianwilson: oh come out
[5:56:56 AM] andrewianwilson: show yourself
[5:56:58 AM] andrewianwilson: NOW
[5:57:01 AM] andrewianwilson: !!!!!!
[5:57:04 AM] rebecca wilson: bloody hell will you just pull the trigger
[5:57:11 AM] andrewianwilson: HELP! hELP! HELP!
[5:57:18 AM] andrewianwilson: RAPE RAPE RAPE
[5:57:19 AM] andrewianwilson: FIRE
[5:57:21 AM] andrewianwilson: FIRE
[5:57:22 AM] andrewianwilson: FIRE
[5:57:24 AM] andrewianwilson: FIRE
[5:57:27 AM] andrewianwilson: fire
[5:57:43 AM] rebecca wilson: i did not say to start a fire
[5:57:44 AM] andrewianwilson: fire
[5:57:48 AM] andrewianwilson: help
[5:57:57 AM] andrewianwilson: ((sweat))
[5:58:06 AM] rebecca wilson: get down low and get out of there
[5:58:20 AM] andrewianwilson: SHOW YOURSELF
[5:58:25 AM] andrewianwilson: please.......
[5:58:31 AM] andrewianwilson: ;(
[5:58:42 AM] rebecca wilson: are you ok
[5:58:49 AM] andrewianwilson: ahahahahahahahahahahah
[5:58:53 AM] andrewianwilson: hahahahahahahahahahaha
[5:58:54 AM] rebecca wilson: lol
[5:59:00 AM] andrewianwilson: lmaof
I tried to fill the empty void in my life with bullets and bodies. I have run out of both. Oh well, guess I'll just go shopping...
There is a reason why your family is called “A nuclear family”. Put any fissionable material under enough pressure and it explodes!!
Bloody Amnesty International. Now my computer won't execute any programmes.
PSN hackers exposed as... MICROSOFT!
McDonalds "Golden Arches" have now bought into Plumbing Supplies, known as "Golden Showers"...
They told me to 'Root' my Android device to make it more useful. I just ended up with sore genitals.
“For every Solution there is a Problem.”
“Clay. It's just mud that's come out of the closet”
"It's the Rapture!"
"It's what ya do on Jamaican Facebook"
Nearly half of consumers are considered to be 'buy-curious.'
There are all so other sub consumer types such as: Trans-spender cross debtors.
I have all ways wondered. Do Dogs think toilets are phones?
Got a 'Smart Phone' :) I'm too dumb to use it :(
Spent ages trying to study Geometry, but I kept going off on a tangent.
Some one told me to 'Go back to where you came from'. I said said I can't, my mother is dead.
My sister once asked me if I thought that I was better than other people. I replied "No". "I KNOW, that I am better than other people!" :D
Smiled at a Goth the other day. Made him so depressed, he smiled back.
Mark Zukerburge Declares Facebook to be "An Abject Failure"
"It's still not got me laid"
I know I am funny. All the girls tell me I am a joke.
“You contradict every thing I say.”
“No I don't.”
“God damn I hate existentialists”
One day you will meet some one
Then meat some one.....
New iBone 2. Now comes in Black, White, Asian and many other interracial colours.
Am feeling sick.
Diagnosed self online.
There is never enough time in the day, this is true. But you would be surprised how much time there is at night.
Parents: They are just so hard to bring up now days.
Why do 2 minute noodles take 5 minutes?
Today I got hacked. I don't mean my computer, I mean 'I got hacked'. Some one stole my finger.
Ever notice that there is "die" in "diet" ??
All the world's a stage, and I keep falling off.
Pediatrist: Some one who really likes under aged feet.
Who did crazy people believe they were, before there was Christ or Napoleon?
I take my humour seriously. My jokes are no laughing matter.
I know my friends are fictitious, as they never call.
Seriously, being racist is like believing that you're the only kid on the playground entitled to use the play equipment. Stupid and Selfish.
You know, not leaving a message on an answering machine is like sending a letter with a return address and a blank page inside.
"Listen to what I am saying. Not to what you are hearing."
“Revenge is a dish best served with... a shotgun!”
I think my dog doesn't want me to pat her any more. She took out a restraining order.
I all ways get motivated to do something after I have done it.
I have no worries about knowing what my faults are. My 'friends' are so helpful in all ways pointing out what my problem is...
I can see something poking out of your eye, hang on, I will get my chainsaw....
My Uncle is so tight, that he is going to email me my birthday cake, to save on postage.
Meeting: "A chance to discuss delaying the implementation of a known solution to a problem."
You know, you would think after ten years she would make me at least one coffee. Gaud, my dog is lazy...
As I said in reply to someone asking why we don't lock-up polluters.
"You can't legislate against stupidity, but you can tax it!"
Doing my weight training. Have 180 kg on the bar, 5ft off the ground. Came back to find fur on the bar. I think my dog has been juicing...
Some one told me to get my mind out of the gutter. Hell, I can't get it any any lower!